When Mental Illness is the Third Wheel
Over the years, so many of you have personally messaged me and have asked how Chris and I have supported one another through my mental illness. Some individuals come to me without knowing their spouse has also previously spoken to me and asked how they could better support their loved one. Mental illness puts strain on our relationships. It’s difficult to understand when you can’t see where the pain is coming from or how to fix it, and no one knows better than Chris and I how difficult it can be.
I finally decided to write a piece where I interview him with some of the questions I think will help the most. I’ve recorded his answers and paraphrased them in hopes that it will help some couples gain clarity. Our relationship is not yours and what we’ve gone through will not be what you may be going through, so please, without too much comparison, take these answers for what they are but always do what’s best for you and your partner.
Q: Do you remember the first time I told you I had anxiety? If so, when was it and what were your first thoughts?
A: “You told me you had anxiety from the very beginning and at the very beginning I never understood it. I didn’t really know what to expect. I don’t remember the specific time but through the years I had heard your story but I remember you in the beginning just having bad days. I still remember the one day [in the beginning of our relationship] that I came and picked you up and we went and got cheesesteaks. That was the real introduction to your depression. I think that was the first time where it was like, “oh you’re having a bad day, let me try to cheer you up.” I still remember knocking on your window and scaring the living sh*t out of you. (*continues to laugh*; me just staring at him remembering the trauma.)
I think I don’t remember a specific day because you were always so open about it anyway and you told me right from the beginning.
Q: In the beginning of our relationship, what were your thoughts and feelings towards my mental illness?
A: “At the very beginning, I was almost skeptical of it. I didn’t know everything you had been through. You’re almost prone to thinking that someone is just making it up.” (I interject here and asked if he thought that this was due to stigma, where he answers, “Absolutely, it’s a giant stigma. You just think ‘they’re just doing it for attention’).
“In the beginning it’s very easy to write it off as seeking attention. Through the years you learn what not to say to someone with anxiety and depression, like, “it’s okay, just get over it”, or “oh, it’s easy”, when really, it’s not because you’ve been dealing with this your entire life. No matter how much you expressed that this is a problem, I’m still someone new in your life and [not understanding] of the situation.
Q: When did you realize the problem was a lot bigger than you realized?
A: “The very first time you left your job at the hospital. Every time you called out of work or couldn’t do something, it wasn’t just an excuse. You just weren’t happy and you would watch people die and that affected you so much that you were willing to leave a job you loved at the time. You were willing to change your entire career and get away from something that triggered you at the time.”
Q: Was there ever a moment that you thought you wouldn’t be able to handle it and wanted to leave?
A: “Everything that lead up to [me at my breaking point], you going into the hospital, all the episodes, coming off of all of your meds—I was going to be there for you no matter what. But it wasn’t until you cancelled the trip [to Cancun]. I can sit here and be with you through everything, but I didn’t know if I could sit here and have everything change at the very last minute. The fact that it was so close to us leaving and it became more of a mindset thing [for me]. I had only two days left at work and I was thinking we were going to be sitting on a beach somewhere enjoying ourselves and then you called me up and said you couldn’t do it. It was at that point where it started to affect my life.”
Q: What made you change your mind about not leaving?
A: “It was just a trip. We’re still young, we still have plenty of time to travel and experience things. It was upsetting at the time but the more you look at it, it was just once, one time, that was it. You have to keep the mindset that, ‘it’s not going to be like that forever’, it’s that one bad time, and that’s it.”
Q: What’s the best advice you can give a couple who is going through what we went through, where one spouse has a mental illness and may struggle more than the other?
A: “The only thing I can say, and it’s going to be a hard one for people to grasp, but compromise. If you truly love someone, you’ll be with them through thick and thin. If you have to change your plans, you have to change your plans. Especially if they’re having a rough day. It isn’t just compromise with you and the other person it’s compromising with yourself in your own mind. [For example], if you have to shorten a trip from an entire day to just a few hours, so be it. “
The last question brought up a conversation between the both of us where we talked about how I was always the one who struggled but in past years, I’ve been the one who has been able to heal and get a grip on my mental illness, whereas Chris’ anxiety has gone through the roof. It has quite literally been a switch in roles where I am the supporting spouse and he is the one suffering.
This realization brought up a great point: you don’t know what the future holds. When you think you’ve had enough and you want to walk away, know that you wanting to turn away from the spouse who is suffering may just be frustration, exhaustion, or stress from the situation at-hand. As the spouse who seems to be holding the weight of the world on their shoulders trying to keep a family, or even just a relationship, together, know that it’s okay to feel like you want to turn away, but also remember that life likes to handout curveballs. If or when you are in a situation similar to your spouse, would you want them to turn on you? Who will you turn to for help? We choose to marry someone because we’re choosing to love that person through thick and thin; it won’t be easy, and it’s not supposed to be easy. When you feel like you want to turn away, that’s a sign that you also may need to remember to take care of yourself and convey that to the other person.
This all led to another question:
Q: When I am/was having an anxiety/panic attack, or going through a depressive episode, what helped you learn what to do in those moments?
A: “It took a while, but it was to just listen to you. If you were asking to be alone, I was going to leave you alone. You just have to listen because that person going through it is the only person who’s going to know what they want.”
It goes without saying that relationships aren’t easy. When one person in a relationship suffers with an illness you can’t see, it’s easy to turn to stigmas and think, “they’re just doing it for attention”, or “it’s not as bad as they say it is”. I cannot tell you how many awful fights Chris and I have gotten into due to the frustration and strain mental illness has put on our relationship. There have been tears shed, words exchanged, even some of it getting physical at times. Yes, it’s true, our relationship isn’t perfect. We’ve had to fight tooth and nail to hang onto something we both believe in: love.
No one ever speaks about the ugly, the uncomfortable. I, however, will always speak about the most uncomfortable parts of my life because they’re the ones that have made me a better, stronger, more resilient person. Chris too, has had to learn to open up and just talk about the uncomfortable things. When I was in the throes of an anxiety attack or episode of some sort, he has absolutely walked away and given up, but in the end, he has always come back. He’s learned to gather himself, express to me how he is feeling, and instead of screaming and hollering and getting defensive, we just talk; we compromise on our feelings and emotions in that moment. It’s important to remember that the person with the mental illness doesn’t have the upper hand. Just because they may be suffering more, physically and mentally, doesn’t mean the feelings and emotions of the other person in the relationship can be completely disregarded. The ones struggling with their mental illness cannot completely depend on the other for what it is they need, they must depend on themselves first.
Remember that nothing happens overnight. It has taken me years to be able to heal in the ways that I have and, in that time, Chris has seen me at my utmost worst, however, it has always been my responsibility to heal and help myself first, so that it does not fall on him. As the spouse who is supporting someone who is suffering, it is not your job to heal them, it is your job to standby them and support them in their times of need, but to take on their pain along with any of the stressors in your own life is unfair and should never be done.
I may be going out on a limb here, but if someone does not want help, or does not/will not change, you have permission to leave. And if you are someone who is suffering and is not getting support when you need it, even though you are doing everything in your power to help yourself, you have permission to leave. We can all sit here and pretend that our relationships are happy and we have all the support we need, and we may very well have that, but if you don’t, no matter what you’re going through in your life, your happiness should be the only thing you choose. Not your spouses, not your kids, not your parents or other family members, yours. If Chris and I didn’t start to talk and compromise on me taking the steps I needed to get help, or if he didn’t start opening up and just telling me what he needed as my supporter, we never would have made it.
My Mom always told me that the secret to a happy marriage (or relationship) is always communication, and you know what they say, Mom’s always right. Communicating has been the single thing that has saved our relationship. If I’m just not feeling good about something, I tell him. If he doesn’t like the way a situation is unfolding, he lets me know. We push our egos to the side and we admit to any faults, compromise on how we can better support one another, and we move on with our lives. That’s it. Sure, it’s easier said than done but overall, it has saved us.
Please be gentle with yourselves and patient with one another. Learn to be uncomfortable in your relationships because it’s the only way to actually keep it together and functioning properly. When you aren’t being supported, no matter what side you may be on, put in effort but realize when it’s time to make a change, you do so because you are choosing your own happiness.
All our love,
Jen & Chris xx
If you or someone you know is struggling, please make sure you reach out for help to anyone, including me. If you don’t know where to go, always make sure you dial *988 for help.